Infidelity in marriage is a deeply painful and challenging issue that touches the core of the marital covenant. In addressing how to handle infidelity, the Bible provides both principles and specific guidance that can help believers navigate this heart-wrenching situation. From a non-denominational Christian pastor's perspective, it is essential to approach this topic with sensitivity, compassion, and a commitment to biblical truth.
The Bible unequivocally condemns adultery. In the Ten Commandments, God commands, "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14, NIV). Adultery is seen as a grave sin because it violates the sacred bond of marriage, which is intended to reflect the covenant relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:25-33). Jesus Himself emphasized the seriousness of adultery in His teachings, stating, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28, NIV). This underscores the importance of faithfulness not only in actions but also in thoughts.
When infidelity occurs, the Bible offers guidance on how to respond. One of the most significant passages concerning this issue is found in Matthew 19:3-9. Here, the Pharisees question Jesus about the grounds for divorce, and He responds by affirming the sanctity of marriage: "Haven’t you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate" (Matthew 19:4-6, NIV). Jesus acknowledges that Moses permitted divorce because of the hardness of people's hearts but emphasizes that it was not this way from the beginning. He then states, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9, NIV).
This passage indicates that sexual immorality, including adultery, is a legitimate ground for divorce. However, it is crucial to understand that divorce is not commanded or encouraged but permitted. God's ideal for marriage is lifelong faithfulness and unity. Therefore, when infidelity occurs, the first step should be seeking reconciliation and restoration if possible.
The process of handling infidelity involves several key biblical principles. First, there must be genuine repentance on the part of the unfaithful spouse. Repentance is more than just feeling sorry; it involves a heartfelt turning away from sin and a commitment to change. Proverbs 28:13 states, "Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy" (NIV). True repentance should be accompanied by a willingness to be transparent and accountable.
Second, forgiveness is essential. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the sin or ignoring the pain caused by infidelity. Instead, it is a deliberate choice to release the offender from the debt of their wrongdoing. Jesus taught His disciples to forgive, saying, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14-15, NIV). Forgiveness can be incredibly difficult, especially in the case of infidelity, but it is a necessary step for healing and reconciliation.
Third, both spouses must be willing to work on rebuilding trust and restoring the relationship. This often requires professional counseling, pastoral support, and a commitment to open and honest communication. Ephesians 4:2-3 encourages believers to "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace" (NIV). Rebuilding a marriage after infidelity is a long and arduous process, but with God's help, it is possible.
It is also important to address the role of the community in supporting a couple dealing with infidelity. The Church is called to be a place of grace and healing. Galatians 6:1-2 instructs, "Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (NIV). The community can provide accountability, encouragement, and prayer support for the couple as they work through the aftermath of infidelity.
In some cases, despite efforts to reconcile, the marriage may not survive. If the unfaithful spouse is unrepentant or continues in their infidelity, the faithful spouse may decide that divorce is the best course of action. While divorce is always a last resort, it is permitted in cases of sexual immorality. It is important for the faithful spouse to seek God's guidance, wise counsel, and support from their Christian community as they make this difficult decision.
Christian literature also provides valuable insights into handling infidelity. For example, in his book "The Meaning of Marriage," Timothy Keller emphasizes the importance of understanding marriage as a covenant rather than a contract. A covenant is a binding commitment that reflects God's steadfast love and faithfulness. Keller writes, "To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything" (Keller, 2011). This perspective can help couples understand the depth of their commitment and the importance of working towards reconciliation.
In conclusion, handling infidelity in marriage is a complex and painful process. The Bible provides clear principles for addressing this issue, including repentance, forgiveness, and the pursuit of reconciliation. While divorce is permitted in cases of sexual immorality, it is not the first or preferred option. With God's grace, the support of the Christian community, and a commitment to biblical principles, couples can find healing and restoration even in the face of infidelity.
