Does forgiving someone mean you have to forget what they did?

Forgiveness is a profound and essential aspect of the Christian faith, deeply rooted in the teachings of Jesus Christ. The question of whether forgiving someone necessitates forgetting what they did is a common and complex one. It touches on the nature of forgiveness, the process of healing, and the practicalities of human memory and justice.

To begin with, it is important to understand what forgiveness means from a biblical perspective. Forgiveness is an act of grace, a decision to release someone from the debt or offense they have committed against you. It is a reflection of God's grace towards us. In Ephesians 4:32, Paul writes, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." This verse encapsulates the essence of Christian forgiveness: it is an emulation of the forgiveness we have received from God through Jesus Christ.

However, the Bible does not explicitly command us to forget the wrongs done to us. The phrase "forgive and forget" is often used in popular culture, but it is not a direct biblical mandate. Instead, the Bible focuses on the heart and attitude of the forgiver. In Colossians 3:13, we are instructed to "bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." This verse emphasizes the act of forgiveness rather than the act of forgetting.

Human memory is a complex and intricate part of our being. Unlike God, who is omniscient and omnipotent, humans do not have the ability to simply erase memories at will. God’s promise in Hebrews 8:12, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more," signifies His divine ability to choose not to hold our sins against us. For humans, however, forgetting is not a command but a natural consequence that may or may not follow forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing the offense. It does not imply that the wrong done is insignificant or that it should be overlooked. Forgiveness is about releasing the hold that the offense has on your heart and mind. It is about choosing not to let bitterness, anger, or resentment control your life. In Matthew 18:21-22, when Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother or sister who sins against him, Jesus replies, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." This response highlights the boundless nature of forgiveness, but it does not suggest that Peter should forget the offenses.

Moreover, the process of forgiveness is often a journey rather than a single event. It involves acknowledging the pain and hurt caused by the offense, confronting the emotions associated with it, and making a conscious decision to forgive. This process can be therapeutic and can lead to emotional and spiritual healing. Christian author and theologian Lewis B. Smedes writes in his book "Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve," that forgiveness is a process of healing and that it is more about the transformation of the forgiver than the forgetfulness of the offense.

In practical terms, remembering the offense can serve as a safeguard. It can help individuals avoid situations that might lead to further harm or abuse. For instance, if someone has been betrayed or hurt in a relationship, remembering the offense can help them set healthy boundaries and make wise decisions in the future. It is not about holding a grudge or seeking revenge, but about being prudent and discerning.

Furthermore, forgiveness does not negate the need for justice. The Bible upholds the importance of justice and righteousness. In Micah 6:8, we are instructed to "act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Forgiving someone does not mean that they should not face the consequences of their actions. It is possible to forgive someone while still holding them accountable for their behavior. This balance between forgiveness and justice is crucial in maintaining moral and social order.

From a pastoral perspective, I often counsel individuals to view forgiveness as a gift they give to themselves as much as to the offender. Holding onto unforgiveness can lead to a host of negative emotions and even physical ailments. In contrast, forgiving can bring peace and freedom. Jesus said in Matthew 6:14-15, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." This passage underscores the reciprocal nature of forgiveness and its importance in our relationship with God.

It is also worth noting that forgetting in the sense of erasing the memory of the offense is not always possible or even desirable. Memories can serve as important lessons and reminders of God's grace and faithfulness. They can be testimonies of how God has worked in our lives to bring healing and restoration. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph, who was wronged by his brothers, says, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Joseph did not forget the wrongs done to him, but he saw God's greater purpose and chose to forgive.

In conclusion, forgiving someone does not necessarily mean you have to forget what they did. Forgiveness is a deliberate act of grace and mercy, an emulation of God's forgiveness towards us. It is about releasing the hold that the offense has on your heart and mind, and choosing to walk in love and freedom. While forgetting the offense may not always be possible or necessary, the act of forgiveness can lead to healing, restoration, and a deeper understanding of God's grace.